A Funny Feng Shui Dictionary

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funny feng shui dictionary

What the Feng Shui practitioner says:

What it really means:

Bagua Baked goods usually served with lox and cream cheese. The octagonal-shaped ones are definitely not kosher.
Yi Jing An old book everyone talks about but nobody reads ’cause it doesn’t have a lot of pretty pictures or easy information.
Tai Chi An exercise class.
Pu Chan Knuckle-cracking exercise employed by ancient Chinese mystics.
Lo-Shu An old map of downtown Lo. There are nine sectors in town and each has a single-digit address.
Ho-T’u Street slang for an Asian working girl.
Taoism I know it has to do with this stuff, but all I know is that I need to mention it. Nobody else knows what it is either.
Recycling Phase A lot of dead stuff and garbage reconstituted into a marketable form
Charts and Tallies Something to do with book-making.
Trigram One more than a diagram.
Inner World Arrangement Trying to clean up the clutter in my mind.
Five Element Theory A bunch of things that always confused me and I never could figure how they work with Feng Shui. What’s trees got to do with Feng Shui anyway?
Yin Yang Theory A black and white symbol I saw in a book, and I think it has to do with dark and light.
Qi Energy that I can manipulate with incense smoke and mirrors. It’ll defy the laws of physics, stop on a dime, and give me nine cents’ change if I hang a mirror just right.
Unifying Principle More garbage recycled into a marketable form.
Clutter Too many dust-bunnies and old magazines lying around, and they are completely responsible for the reason my life is such a mess!
Lo Pan A noodle dish served with pieces of magnetite — a real delicacy.
Nine Stars The Feng Shui astrological calendar. The nine signs are White Dingaling, Jewish Black Men, Blue Swan, Jaundiced Chewbacca, White Voodoo, Maroon Prowler, White Soul Food, and Purple Pie. They are commonly used in old Chinese poetry.
Gua Su The sound of a sneeze from a woman home sick by herself.
Houtian arrangement of trigrams A guy who arranged a bunch of sticks while people watched.
Peach Blossom direction When the wind carries blossoms off a peach tree, it’s the direction they fall.

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Categorized: Feng Shui Humor

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